If Harry Potter did adverts
by Marauder-girl
Summary: Erm... What happens when Harry Potter and all his fellows created adverts under a tyranical director? Read and See! R&R Oh Yeah I don't own ANY OF THEM!!! Get the disclaimer out the way now -Pulls tongue-
1. Harry Potter's absurd specs

If Harry Potter did adverts… 

They'd probably be the best adverts in the world!

A/N: Okay NEW piece of insanity here –grins evilly- I don't know how I came up with it but I did (With a little help from my friend) So enjoy!!

A/N2: Oh yeah the director is me by the way (Unless stated) 

Ad 1: Specsavers!! 

Take 1 

DIR: Okay!! Bring out Potter; we have a tight schedule to run too!!! 

-Harry walks out sporting an Elton John (Old) style pair of glasses- 

HAR: -Angrily- I WANT MY AGENT!!!! I refuse to swan around in this monstrosity.. –Points to offending glasses- .. Looking like some Timmy Mallet wannabe!!!! 

DIR: CUT!!!! Hey wait a minute those AREN'T the glasses I left out for you!?! 

-Sniggers heard in background- 

DIR: FRED GEORGE!!!!!!! What did you do with the other pair!!!! 

FRED & GEORGE: -Run off cackling- 

DIR: OKAY REDO!!!! 

Take 10 

DIR: Okay ACTION!!!!! 

HAR: -Strolls around store- This season the in look is my look, which is surprising because of my arrogant big headedness… Hey I REFUSE to read that!! 

DIR: CUT!!!! –Groans- Okay WHO'S been screwing with the auto-cue!!?? –Glares at Fred and George- 

FRED: HEY!!! It wasn't us!! 

GEORGE: YEAH!! Were innocent 

-Crew laughs coughing madly- 

DIR: -Sarcastic- Then who did do it? Snape??? 

SNAPE: -Whistles innocently- Ooops heh-heh 

DIR: SNAPE!!!!! This isn't your advert so get off set!!!! 

SNAPE: -Pouts and skulks off- 

Take 137 

DIR: I DON'T BLOODY CARE!! I SWEAR THIS IS THE LAST TAKE WE ARE DOING TODAY!!! –Vein throbs in forehead-

READY AND ACTION!! 

HAR: -Stays silent- 

DIR: Er.. HEELLLOOOO I said ACTION!! 

HAR: And I REFUSE to act!!! I deserve a pay rise for this bloody shambles!!! 

DIR: CUT!! -Indignant- SOD THAT!!! I'm on a limited budget!! 

HAR: Fine then!! I QUIT!!!

DIR: You don't have a chance to quit because I'm firing you!!! 

HAR: YOU can't FIRE ME!! Because I already quit!! And I'll make sure you never work in this town again!!!! Mwahahahahaha!! 

DIR: Screw this I'm outta here!! And someone find me a replacement Harry for 9AM sharp!!! 

DAY 2 

DIR: Okay bring out the replacement!! 

-The same Harry from yesterday walks out- 

DIR: -Smirks evilly- Oh! I see you came crawling back! 

HAR: Don't think it's a compliment to you. My Aunt and Uncle made me!! They need the money!! 

DIR: -Sigh- Fine Take 138 of Specsavers glasses! ACTION!! 

HAR: -Strolls around shop- And the in look for this season is the Harry Potter look… -Camera flashes screwing up shop and blinding Harry-.. ARRGGH!!! My eyes!!! 

DIR: CUT, CUT, CUT!!!!! SECURITY!!!!!! GET THAT CREEPY CREEVEY OUT OF HERE NOW!!!!! 

-Security 'Escorts' Colin of the premises (I.E Literally kicked out with great force)- 

Take 210 

DIR: -Yawns- What number are we up to?? 210!!!!! Bloody hell!! Okay take 210 of Specasavers. ACTION!! 

HAR: -Strolls around shop- And the 'in' look for this season is Harry Potter look. Inspiring kids everywhere that glasses are cool!! So come on down to specsavers where your vision counts!! 

-Logo and music comes up .. a moment's silence- 

DIR: Okay and that's a WRAP!! Halleluiah!! Praise the lord!!! -starts doing Indian style dance- 

FRED: WAHOOO!! Drinks are on Harry!!! 

GEORGE: NICE ONE HARRY!!! 

HAR: -Confused- Waaaaa… I didn't say.. 

STAGE MAN: Too late they've gone!! 

-Dir Fred and George run off down the pub with Harry's paycheck - 

HAR: Awww Nertz!! 


	2. Draco Malfoy's happy pills

If Harry Potter did adverts… 

They'd probably be the best adverts in the world!   
  


A/N: Okay back with the next set of Adverts, this time it's a little weirder. But is that any different from the Norm? 

Ad 2: Wizard Prozac (A/N: Again as usual DON'T ASK!) 

Take 1: 

DIR: Okay let's see who we've got for this one –looks, groans- But he's perfect!! Come on out Malfoy!! 

-No one appears- 

DIR: HEELLLOOOO… I said MALFOY GET OUT HERE!!! 

-Still nothing- 

DIR: CUT!!!!!!! RIGHT!!! THAT DOES IT!!! –Jumps out of seat- 

-Director proceeds to stomp over to Draco's trailer and bangs seven shades of s*&% out of the door- 

DIR: MALFOY OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW!!!! –Hammers on door even more- 

-Snape strolls over- 

SNAPE: Allow me! –Smiles- MALFOY YOU CALL YOURSELF A SLYTHERIN!! GET YOUR WORTHLESS BACKSIDE OUT HERE THIS INSTANT!! 

-Still silence- 

SNAPE: Okay NO ONE ignores me!! –Takes out wand- 'REDUCTO' –Door blasts inwards- MALFOY!!! 

-Director and Snape notice Draco is asleep at his dresser- 

DIR: -Tiptoes over- **MALFOY WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!** –Malfoy jumps awake- 

DRACO: -Grogily- WHA….. What time is it?? 

DIR: It's time you should be on set!! –Glares- 

DRACO: HUH?? I was just coming, I had a drink and then .. POOF! In the land of nod! 

SNAPE: -Examines glass- Sleeping draught, I should've guessed! 

DIR: -In MEGA rage- WHO SPIKED DRACO'S DRINK!!! 

HARRY: -Whistles innocently- 

DIR: HARRY!! This take is coming out of your wages!! 

HARRY: -Haughtily- It can't!! You, Fred and George already spent it getting drunk!! 

DIR: -Groans- Don't remind me!! –Rubs temple- Right then it's coming out of your next paycheck 

HARRY: -Grumbles mutinously-   
  


Take 22: 

DIR: Okay –Sigh- Wizard Prozac Take 22 and action!! 

DRACO: -Silence- 

DIR: I said ACTION!!! 

DRACO: -Still silence, Jumps around mouthing and pointing at his throat- 

DIR: Why you LITTLE…. –Does Homer style strangling-… You.. will … talk!!! 

STAGE DIR: Someone cut the camera!! –Camera is cut- 

DRACO: -Silent strangle and gasps- 

SIRI: -Smirks- Told you that voice loss charm would work! 

REMY: Yes, and I believed you! But I didn't expect the Director to react quite like that –Looks at Director worriedly- 

SIRI: Hmm Perhaps. I always thought that Directors were mentally unstable! Hey Poppy!! I think you'd better intervene!! 

-Madame Pomfrey runs over and stuns the Director- 

POP: Right Malfoy come with me! –Carts Draco away- 

Take: 23 

DIR: -Brought around- Huh?? What Happened!! –Someone whispers an explaination- REMUS!! SIRIUS!! You guys are in SOOOOOO much trouble!! 

REMY & SIRI: -Laugh and pull tongues- 

DIR: -Glares- Hmm… that'll do! –Whistles- 

REMY & SIRI: HUH??? 

-A large balloon filled with some indescribable yucky stuff is dropped on them!- 

REMY & SIRI: GROSS!!!!! 

DIR: -Smirks smugly and pulls tongues back- Right! A short break while we clean up this mess!! 

Take: 24 

DIR: Okay everyone happy, clean and dry? 

REMY & SIRI: -Shoot Director dirty glances- 

DIR: Okay!! Take 24 of Wizard prozac, the Wizards best friend A-A-AND ACTION!! 

-Malfoy is nowhere to be seen!- 

DIR: -Groan- Not AGAIN!!!…. –Hears something-….. Wait what the hell is that?!?! 

DRACO: -Tarzan style- MMMMMMAAAAARRRRRAAAJJJJUUUNNNAAAAAA!!!!!!! –Swings in on light cable and smacks into wall- 

DIR: -Laughs- C-c—ut!! –Regains composure, sighs- Oh why Me!!! Okay WHO gave Draco POT!! 

ALL (And I mean ALL): -Look around innocently whistling-

DIR: -Disbelief- ALL OF YOU!!! Geez no wonder he's High! Right for this idiocy You're all getting a wage dock!! YOU HEAR ME!!! 

ALL: -Groan and glare, Random person (probably Snape) throws water balloon at Director- 

DIR; Losing it completely- OKAY!! THAT DOES IT!! I QUIT I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH THEY'RE OFFERING ME I'M LEAVING!!!! 

-Storms off set- 

REMY: Touchy ain't she? 

SIRI: -Nods- How long do you reckon before she comes back? 

REMY: -Grins evilly- Oh.. about ten minutes! Lord I'd be back after ten minutes! There is NO WAY I'd turn down that kind of pay!


	3. Albus Dumbledore's wacky stair lift!

If Harry Potter did adverts..

They'd probably be the best adverts in the world

A/N: Back again!! I'm starting to get the hang of this directoring thingy! Well apart from the slight incident last time! –Smirks- Well please read and review PWEASE!!!

Ad 3: Stannah Stairlifts!

Take 1

SIRI: -To director- See you came crawling back –Evil smirk-

DIR: Shut UP!! –Smacks him around head- I only came back because they doubled my pay!

REMY: But I thought and I quote ' I don't care how much their offering me! I'm leaving!'

DIR: Yeah and like I quoted before 'SHUT UP!'

REMY: Women… –Receives smack round the back of head- OW!

DIR: Right enough chitchat! What are we doing today? – Stage manager hands her script- Oh LORD!!! Why do I get all the ridiculous ones! You don't see bloody Steven Spielberg getting crappy second-class movies! So why should I have to put up with this!!

STAGE MANAGER: Just shut up and get on with it!

DIR: -Glares- Fine! Right bring out… Dumbledore?? Oh GOD! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! He's gonna make this –shudders- interesting. I HATE IT WHEN THEY MAKE IT INTERESTING!

SIRI: Geez calm down!! If anyone needs Prozac it's you!

DIR: ENOUGH!!! Dumbledore just get your wrinkly backside out here!!

-Dumbledore appears on stage-

DUM: I don't think that is appropriate language for a girl of your age.

DIR: BLAH BLAH BLAH!!! Please Albus I'm NOT in the mood –rubs temple- Right On with the AD! Stannah Stairlifts take one a-and ACTION!!!

-Camera goes to Albus who is standing near some stairs-

DUM: -Fake grin- when you reach your golden years nowa... –Puts foot on first step and falls through into concealed pit- ddddaaaaaayyyyyyssssss –Falling echo and thud heard-

DIR: CUT!!!!  I knew this was going to get interesting! –Sighs- Someone either fish Albus out the hole or get a replacement please! And tell Fred and George they are in serious trouble!

DUM: It's quite alright my dear I can get myself out –Floats up- There I believe that is better

DIR: Er…. Right. Would someone kindly please fill in that hole before the next take, Please!

Take 2

DIR: Okay take two of Stannah Stair Lifts aaaaand ACTION!!!!!

-Albus walks on stage and hobbles over to stair lift-

DUM: -Grins- When you reach your golden years nowadays you often find that you need a little extra support and help with some of the necessities of life. –Sits down on stair lift- 

DIR: -Sighs in relief- Thank you god!

DUM: Stannah are here to give you a helping hand with some of those life's little problems….. –Pushes button and stair lift splutters and dies-

DIR: Oh LORD!! Why can't anything go right?

SNAPE: Because it's you doing it?

DIR: Shut up Snape!

DUM: ….Such as now –Jabs button again and stair lift bursts into life flying up the stairs at 100 mph-  WHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! –Crashes through roof and flies off into distance-

DIR: -REALLY annoyed- CUT!!!!! Who the hell tampered with the stairlift.

FRED & GEO: Hey don't look at us!

DIR: I know it wasn't you two, you don't have enough experience with muggle artefacts to pull something like that off.

FRED: Hey! I take offence to that!

GEO: Don't, it at least means were not going to get murdered.

FRED: Good point.

DIR: Hmmmm Let me think…. Who has experiece with mechanics….. –Something clicks- SIRIUS!!!!!! I know it was you!!! You're the only one with experience!!

SIRI: Oh…. Shit! Run for the hills!…. –Runs away- …Dam I didn't think she'd figure it out that quick.

-Sirius is chased by enraged director-

STAGE MANAGER:  Er…. Redo?

DIR: -Skids to stop and rounds on Stage manager- HEY!!! THAT'S MY BLOODY JOB!!!!! YOU ARE SOOOOOO SACKED.

STAGE MANAGER: FINE!!! I BLOODY HATED THIS JOB ANYWAY!!!!! I GOT NOTHING BUT ABUSE!!!!! –Storms off-

DUM: -Walks in covered in leaves and twigs- What did I miss?

ALL: -Roll eyes exasperatedly-

DIR: REDO!!!!!

ALL: We've already been told that!!!!

DIR: -Groans- I don't bloody care, just redo it!

Take 12

DIR: Right have ALL the traps been set off now.

ALL: -Nod innocently-

DIR: Are you SURE! –Glares-

ALL: -Cower slightly and nod again-

DIR: GOOD! Because I don't want a repeat of the last few takes. I sincerely DID NOT appreciate getting my eyebrows singed off thank you very much.

ALL: -Snigger quietly-

DIR: Okay! If we're all ready…. Stannah Stairlifts take twelve. A-aaand ACTION!!!

DUM: -Strolls onto stage grimacing-

DIR: -Holds up sign saying LOOK HAPPY OR ELSE!-

DUM: -Sighs and smiles warmly- When you reach your golden years nowadays, you sometimes find you need a little help with some of life's necessities…. –Sits down on the stair lift-… Stannah are here to give you a helping hand with some of those little problems… -Pushes up button and stairlift moves slowly up stairs-

DIR: -Thanks any and all available God's and Deities-

DUM: They  are a friendly service…… -Screams-

DIR: Oh what now?!?

DUM: -Still screaming-  My beard, MY BEARD!!!!! It's caught!!! Owie,owie, owie owie!!!!!!!!!!! –Lift continues up the stairs- OOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! –Big RIP! Is heard- ARGGGGHHHHHHH NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! My BEARD, MY BEAUTIFUL BEARD!!!!

DIR: -Trying hard not to laugh- CUT!!!!!!! –Fails attempt miserably and bursts into hysterical laughter- OH MY GOD THAT IS SOOOOO FUNNY!!!! –Starts doing a little dance and singing- Life is fine life, life is good, Albus lost his beard and looks we-urd

REMY: Don't you mean we-IRD?

DIR: Shut your cakehole Remus. I had to make it rhyme!! –Laughs at Albus's misfortune-

REMY: Oh –Shrugs-

DUM: -Looks Really REALLY annoyed- Okay that does it –Pulls out wand-

DIR: -Shits pants- ARGGHHHH!!! Come now Albus I didn't mean. Please don't transfigure me into something 'Unnatural'!

DUM: -Grins evilly- That's Lord Of The Rings you know!

DIR: Er… is it? I really couldn't tell –Dumbledore advances- Er….. Okay this shoots over, it's a wrap BYYYYYEEEE 

–Runs away very quickly-

SNAPE: -Smirks- Nice one headmaster, that's her out of our hair for a while!

DUM: Yes but she will be back

VOICE: Yes, YES I WILL MWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA –Coughs- HAHAHAHAH –Gags and chokes- A!!!! -

SNAPE: Am I the only one freaked out by that?

ALL: -Shake heads-


	4. Severus Snape's Sexy Shampoo

If Harry Potter did Adverts…. 

They'd be the best Adverts in the world!

Disclaimer: -Sighs- I don't own the Harry Potter franchise nor do I own whatever Product I use to humiliate the characters aforementioned! -Goes off in sulk-

A/N: HEY PEEPS! I finally got my arse into gear and decided to update –Cheers- Sorry this has been taking so long.. I'm not a very reliable person when It's comes to stuff like this… but I do try! Well Enjoy!

Ad 4: Urge To herbal!

DIR: HEY! This one could be interesting… Hmmmm. Right Lets start!

REMY: Er… Just what are we doing… I think we have a right to know since we are participating.

SIRI: Yeah! I wanna know why I'm so scantily clad! –Glares at director-

DIR: For the last time we're doing the Herbal Essences advert. Will you guys try and not forget after five minutes!!!! And you're dressed like that because there is a bit where two men walk in scantily clad OKAY!!!!

- Remus and Sirius sulk off-

DRA:  There isn't really a scantily clad bit is there? You just wanted to see them in practically next to nothing!

DIR: MOI! Think such perverted thoughts and use my job to live them…. I think not my dear Draco. And besides there IS a scantily clad bit so NEH!!! The reasoning is that they are the only two who are of age that will actually look okay if they walked in like that! I couldn't exactly send Hagrid and Albus in together could I?

HAR: Good point! But I still reckon you just wanted to see their butts!

DIR: -Groans- I DO NOT!!!! Right urge to Herbal take one and….. ACTION!!!!

-Camera pans to a courtroom where Snape is sitting in the Dock NOT looking impressed-

SNA: WHY DO I GET THIS ADVERT!!!! This is cruel and unfair!!!

DIR: CUT!!!!! –Sighs- Because it's funny to skit at your Hygiene, so just quit moaning and get on with it!!!!

SNA: You had this ready for me from the beginning didn't you!

DIR: Would you be offended if I said yes?

SNA: OF COURSE I BLOODY WOULD!!!!!

DIR: Well then of course not Sev….. It was just coincidence! –Smirks evilly-

SNA:  -Mutters- Bloody biased bitch!

DIR: -Singsong- I heard that!

SNA: GOOD!! IT WOULD HAVE BEEN WASTED IF YOU HADN'T!!

DIR: -Sighs- Come on Sev…. You're getting paid so quit complaining PWEASEEEEEE!!! Otherwise I'll be forced to use my secret weapon.

SNA: And what pray tell would that be….?

DIR: -Whispers in ear-

SNA: -Looks traumatized- You wouldn't dare!

DIR: Oh but I would…. So you better do this or else!

SNA: -Gulps- Okay!

DIR: Good! Glad you've seen things my away..

SNA: Only raging rhino's could see things your way.

DIR: True… but you still have to do what I say. Okay REDO!

-Take 2-

DIR: Right let's get this one done…. I don't want any complaining whatsoever.

ALL:  -Unenthusiastic- OKAY!

DIR: Right urge to herbal, Take 2 and…… ACTION!!!!

-Camera pans to courtroom-

SNA: I object to that comment!! –Stands up and bangs on table-

DUM (As judge): Mr Snape I urge you to sit down…..

RANDOM FEMALE VOICE: URGE….. OOOOOO

-Stupid urge to herbal music comes on-

CHOIR: He's got the urge…. He's got the urge to HERBAL!

-Remus and Sirius walk in and down isle singing-

SIRI; -Really getting into it- OHHH YEAHHH! He's got the urge to herbal, coz he's a greasy git……

SNAPE: -Looks highly offended and flicks wand-

REMY: He's got the ur….. WHAAAAA -Falls flat on face over carefully concealed magical tripwire- OWWWWW!!!

SIR: -Falls over Remus- WHAT THE BLEEP WAS THAT!!!!!

DIR: CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!! WTF IS GOING ON!!!!! AM I CURSED OR SOMETHING!!!!!!

SNA: I could gladly see to that situation. -Evil grin-

DIR: -Glares- No thanks!

REMY: -Muffled- MMMMMMMMMMMM

SIRI: -Gets up- What was that Moony?

REMY I said that it was a tripwire and get off me as you're squashing my liver.

SIRI: Oh! –Looks confused- Your LIVER???

REMY: I don't know either…. It just occurred to me. -Shrugs-

DIR: -Whistles innocently-

SIRI: SNAPE YOU BLOODY UNHYGENIC GIT!!!!!

DIR: Boys, boys there is no need to fight…..

SIRI & SNA: STAY OUT OF THIS!!!!!!!

DIR: HEY I'm giving you work!!! RESPECT MY AUTHORITAR!!!!!! -Snaps fingers-

-All participants in fight freeze on the spot-

DIR: Better, much better. REDO!!

A/N: This is kinda a private joke between Johnny, me and S.J and is really hard to explain

Take: 6

DIR: Come ON you lazy bums!!!! Let's get this right!!!!

ALL: -Groan-

DIR: HEY!!! Don't give me that!!!!

SNA: Just face it NO ONE LIKES YOU!!!!!!

DIR: Like I care! Herbal essences- Take 6 and ACTION!!!

SNA: I object to the outrageous comment made -Bangs fist-

DUM: I urge you to sit down Mr Snape…..

RFV: URGE….. OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

- Stupid music again-

CHOIR: He's got the URGE!!!.... He's got the URGE TO HERBAL

-Door opens admitting a scantily clad Crabbe and Goyle-

ALL: -Look thoroughly, THOROUGHLY ill-

DIR: OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!!! THAT IS JUST TOO MUCH!!!! CUUUUUTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!

-Director has a random tantrum which can not be added due to the amount of expletives used-

DIR: -Pants- Okay that's better…. Now WHO told Crabbe and Goyle they were in this ad?!?

DRA: -Backs away slowly-

DIR: DRACO!!!!!

DRA: IT WASN'T ME!!!!! THE DARK LORD MADE ME DO IT!!!!!!

DIR: Yeah, yeah excuses, excuses. I don't care! Just someone PLEASE! Get those two boulders outta here before I decided to toss my cookies or curse you into oblivion!!!!

-Crabbe and Goyle are escorted outside-

DIR: -Still looks pale- Okay REDO!!!!

Take 24:

DIR: Okay people…. Lets get this one done!!!! PLLLLLLEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEE!!!!!

SNA: You know you really need to change your day job!

DIR: SHUT UP! And get your lines right this time!!

SNA: Hey it wasn't my fault!!! Those two oafs were just asking for the insult!!

REMY & SIRI: HEY WHO ARE YOU CALLING OAFS!!!!

DIR: Boys, boys calm down otherwise you will be getting NO PAY!!

ALL: AWWWW MEANIE!!!!

DIR: ENOUGH!!!! Urge to herbal, Take 24 and action!!

SNA: I OBJECT to that outrageous comment made!!!

DUM: I urge you to sit down Mr Snape……

RFV: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…………. URGE!!!!!

-Stupid music again-

CHOIR: He's got the URGE….. He's got the URGE to HERBAL!!!

- Doors bang open and Remus and Sirius stride in singing and brandishing a bottle of shampoo-

REMY & SIRI: Oh he's got the urge, he's got the urge to herbal!!!!

-Random shower bit with someone using the shampoo and moaning inappropriately-

Back in courtroom

SNA: Oh WOW!!! -Cheesy grin-

DIR: And that's a wrap!!! OH YEAH PEOPLE!!!! –Does MAJOR happy dance-

ALL: -Cheer loudly-

DIR: That's all for now! Take a break!


End file.
